Laura:
Ah, the time has come for individuals in the western world to make important personal
improvements again. Overall, I think that Resolutions are a great idea. A mass overhaul
of the population with the theoretical support of millions of peers. In our time of
deprivation, OF COURSE we are more understanding of those who frustrate us (while in their
period of deprivation). I can't wait to feel their love and their tolerance all around me.
I can't wait to go back to work with a room full of hormonal women eating rice cakes instead
of cookies. I want to attend meetings with a group of jittery, distracted men who are eating
peppermints and fireballs instead of smoking. Let's all join hands in the spirit of withdrawal.
Because when you think about it, isn't it really better NOT to be the only one in pain?
Isn't it better NOT to be the only woman living on air, getting that hypoglycemic throb in
your temples? Isn't it really LESS desperate when you are among other smokeless smokers?
C'mon, you can share fireballs and Nicotine patches! I can't wait to work in a place where
we are all completely preoccupied with ourselves, our bodies, our habits and where work is
entirely out of focus. Only in America do we have so MUCH luxury, so MUCH excess, that we
have to resolve it.
I'm TIRED of making the same resolutions every year. Something tells me that my typical
resolution material needs a deeper solution than just DECIDING to change. After ALL these
years:
I'm NOT losing weight.
I'm NOT getting healthier.
My house is STILL not cleaner.
I STILL have not had the discipline to take my nail polish off when it starts to flake.
WHO CARES? Lazy, greedy, selfish, insecure. If I want to improve myself and contribute to
society, my problems are not weight, looks, and housekeeping.
Some ideas for New Years Resolutions:
These are resolutions which do not cause withdrawal, do not cause side effects
(such as headache, spaciness, and irritability), and reap instant reward. Trust me; we'll
all have a better Monday.
In other words, to help myself and contribute to the planet, the best resolutions I can make
are simple things which exercise a positive attitude, negate self-centeredness, and rely on
honesty instead of delusion. AND most importantly, things that do not cause withdrawal! Other
than that, who cares what my resolutions are and whether I am successful or not? When I'm
ready to become Cindy Crawford with a Betty Crocker twist, and a splash of Career Gestoppo,
I will be ready to have cosmetic surgery and adhere to a proper diet, while working 60 hour
weeks and simultaneously keeping a meticulously clean home and cooking visually
intriguing/appetizing meals three times a day. And then....would anyone recognize me?
I don't think so.
Remo:
Promises are made to be broken. Nearly everyone makes a New Year's resolution. How many
actually keep it? Most people tend to make the same resolution every year. I'll quit
smoking, lose weight, work out, be nicer, quit gambling, get a better job, etc... By the
time February rolls around, most of these self-promises are a historical fact.
I've always thought it a bit strange that resolutions should come with the new year. After
all, it's the dead of winter. You would think it would be easier to make a resolution as
spring begins. It's a time of renewal. In many parts of the country a hard winter has
ended and flowers have begun to bloom. Garages and attics get cleaned, lawns turn green,
young people's minds turn to thoughts of lust, etc. Wouldn't it be so much easier to resolve
new behavior as the trees sprout buds?
As the brunt of winter begins to fall upon us, we resolve to change our lives. Most of us
drive to work in the dark, and drive home under the street lights. I believe that intrinsically
we're more apt to hibernate during this period and not do what needs to be done in order to
change the things about ourselves that we're not crazy about. Maybe we should make April
1st a time for resolutions? Or even May 1st.
We're all usually still so strung out by what the holiday season puts us through that the last
thing we need to deal with is the stress of changing habits that have become ingrained. I
realize that many of us look forward to the holidays as a time to relax and renew familial
aquaintances. Unfortunately there's always the burden of buying gifts and dealing with
a tight schedule as well as holiday traffic. Who the hell could keep a serious promise during
the aftermath of this frenzy? Not me, kids...
I vote to turn this whole thing around. No more New Years resolutions. Let's start a
"Spring Resolution" trend. Maybe we would be in a frame of mind to actually follow
through...
Everything expressed in The Rant & Rave is most definitely the opinions of the two authors. Anyone taking exception to any edition of The Rant & Rave is cordially invited to sprout wings and utilize round rolling pastry as their next sexual conquest.