This Month's Topic:

Resolve this!!!!

Phase one:
by Laura...

Keep it simple, stupid!!!


Ah, the time has come for individuals in the western world to make important personal improvements again. Overall, I think that Resolutions are a great idea. A mass overhaul of the population with the theoretical support of millions of peers. In our time of deprivation, OF COURSE we are more understanding of those who frustrate us (while in their period of deprivation). I can't wait to feel their love and their tolerance all around me. I can't wait to go back to work with a room full of hormonal women eating rice cakes instead of cookies. I want to attend meetings with a group of jittery, distracted men who are eating peppermints and fireballs instead of smoking. Let's all join hands in the spirit of withdrawal.

Because when you think about it, isn't it really better NOT to be the only one in pain? Isn't it better NOT to be the only woman living on air, getting that hypoglycemic throb in your temples? Isn't it really LESS desperate when you are among other smokeless smokers? C'mon, you can share fireballs and Nicotine patches! I can't wait to work in a place where we are all completely preoccupied with ourselves, our bodies, our habits and where work is entirely out of focus. Only in America do we have so MUCH luxury, so MUCH excess, that we have to resolve it.

I'm TIRED of making the same resolutions every year. Something tells me that my typical resolution material needs a deeper solution than just DECIDING to change. After ALL these years:

I'm NOT losing weight.
I'm NOT getting healthier.
My house is STILL not cleaner.
I STILL have not had the discipline to take my nail polish off when it starts to flake.

WHO CARES? Lazy, greedy, selfish, insecure. If I want to improve myself and contribute to society, my problems are not weight, looks, and housekeeping.

Some ideas for New Years Resolutions:

    Control your STICKY NOTE PADS. Stop blaming others for "stealing" them.

    STOP talking about other people when they leave the room.

    Let people in front of you in the grocery line when it makes sense to do so (lady with a baby in one hand and gallon of milk in the other; man with a dozen roses who is looking at his watch; etc)

    Drive the speed limit in residential areas.

    Help people out when you have the opportunity AND it makes sense to do so.

    Instead of going on a diet, buy clothes that are YOUR size.

These are resolutions which do not cause withdrawal, do not cause side effects (such as headache, spaciness, and irritability), and reap instant reward. Trust me; we'll all have a better Monday.

In other words, to help myself and contribute to the planet, the best resolutions I can make are simple things which exercise a positive attitude, negate self-centeredness, and rely on honesty instead of delusion. AND most importantly, things that do not cause withdrawal! Other than that, who cares what my resolutions are and whether I am successful or not? When I'm ready to become Cindy Crawford with a Betty Crocker twist, and a splash of Career Gestoppo, I will be ready to have cosmetic surgery and adhere to a proper diet, while working 60 hour weeks and simultaneously keeping a meticulously clean home and cooking visually intriguing/appetizing meals three times a day. And then....would anyone recognize me? I don't think so.

Phase two:
by Remo...

Springtime resolutions!


Promises are made to be broken. Nearly everyone makes a New Year's resolution. How many actually keep it? Most people tend to make the same resolution every year. I'll quit smoking, lose weight, work out, be nicer, quit gambling, get a better job, etc... By the time February rolls around, most of these self-promises are a historical fact.

I've always thought it a bit strange that resolutions should come with the new year. After all, it's the dead of winter. You would think it would be easier to make a resolution as spring begins. It's a time of renewal. In many parts of the country a hard winter has ended and flowers have begun to bloom. Garages and attics get cleaned, lawns turn green, young people's minds turn to thoughts of lust, etc. Wouldn't it be so much easier to resolve new behavior as the trees sprout buds?

As the brunt of winter begins to fall upon us, we resolve to change our lives. Most of us drive to work in the dark, and drive home under the street lights. I believe that intrinsically we're more apt to hibernate during this period and not do what needs to be done in order to change the things about ourselves that we're not crazy about. Maybe we should make April 1st a time for resolutions? Or even May 1st.

We're all usually still so strung out by what the holiday season puts us through that the last thing we need to deal with is the stress of changing habits that have become ingrained. I realize that many of us look forward to the holidays as a time to relax and renew familial aquaintances. Unfortunately there's always the burden of buying gifts and dealing with a tight schedule as well as holiday traffic. Who the hell could keep a serious promise during the aftermath of this frenzy? Not me, kids...

I vote to turn this whole thing around. No more New Years resolutions. Let's start a "Spring Resolution" trend. Maybe we would be in a frame of mind to actually follow through...

Read our previous Rants...

Are you a Slacker????
The Dangerous Internet
And so this is Christmas?

Everything expressed in The Rant & Rave is most definitely the opinions of the two authors. Anyone taking exception to any edition of The Rant & Rave is cordially invited to sprout wings and utilize round rolling pastry as their next sexual conquest.

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